Please be aware that this post may be triggering to some readers as it contains talk of suicide.

People lie every day- we have all ticked the ‘I have read the terms and conditions’ when we don’t even open the 500 page document. 

We have all said we were late as we were stuck in traffic when in fact we had just left the house too late. 

We have all lied about the price of something to make it out to have been cheaper than it actually was. 

We have all said “I’m fine” when in fact you’re not fine. 

Your world may be falling apart around you. You may feel like you’re at the end of your tether. Some of those who are acting like they care, may be the snakes stabbing you in the back. For those who do care, you worry about being a burden to them. You fear people may judge you if you open up about what you’re going through. Deep down you know you are not fine. But you’ve worn the mask for that long that it has started to melt into your skin and nobody can see through it. Whenever you’re asked how you are, you respond “I’m fine”…Even when you’re not…

Looking at the photo above, you would think you’re looking at a cherry, jolly teenager. What you don’t see is the battles I was facing behind closed doors. This photo was taken in approximately April or May of 2015. If you asked me how I was, I’d respond with “I’m fine”…But I wasn’t. 

On 03/06/2015 I had 2 exams that I attended. In the morning, I did a post on social media asking people not to speak to me as I was “in a bad mood”. An hour after turning up into school, someone walked over to me to ask me how I was after seeing my post. My response? “I’m fine”. The conversation then continued with me surprised that they saw the post and me laughing with them about my boring social media content. What did I mean by “I’m fine”? That I’m not fine but that I didn’t want to talk about it. 

The night prior, 02/06/2015, which was ten years ago today, was the hardest night of my life. After a pretty normal day, a family argument broke out in the lat evening. With plans to go abroad just before my eighteenth birthday, I was being told I wasn’t allowed to travel and there was the risk of my passport being confiscated. Trying to be on my own, I ended up going into the back garden which ended up heightening my negative thoughts due to having an irrational fear of the dark. 

From then onwards, my negative thoughts ended up spiralling. I knew that I could easily have gone abroad days after my 18th birthday however it wasn’t the holiday that was impacting me; it was that and everything else that was happening in my life. I started thinking about all the problems I was having in my family and the fact that I felt nothing would change. For many, family is their source of help and support; for me, family were part of the problem. I felt like I had nobody I could talk to who would try to understand me and would withhold judgement. I felt like I was existing rather than living and that life was a loosing battle. I then started subconsciously thinking about everything else that is wrong about my life; things I don’t like about myself, issues within school, the fact that I felt I had nobody I could speak to, the fact that I felt nobody could help me and the list goes on. It’s then that I started panning my eyes around of ways I could take my own life. Alongside the common methods of suicide that crossed my mind, some obscure ones sprang to mind due to the items that were in the back garden. 

My mind was filled with thoughts of how much was wrong with my life and that I felt nothing would change. The only things that stopped me attempting suicide was that I felt I had access to nothing that would guarantee that I would die. 

When my mental heath was at it’s worst, I was never scared of dying; I was scared of surviving. 

This wasn’t the first time that suicide crossed my mind. Whilst there’s only ever been one other specific occasion I’d say I was suicidal, when reflecting on my past, it dawned on me one day how if ending your life was as simple as pushing a button, I feel there’s various occasions in my life that I may’ve used it. 

Some think that, if you’ve never attempted suicide, that you weren’t suicidal. For me, this is far from the case. The reason I, thankfully, never attempted suicide, is that I was scared of a survived attempt. All methods of suicide have a chance of survival; whether that’s because you end up surviving the attempt or somebody walks in on you attempting. It was that fear that led me to never attempt suicide; but it doesn’t mean that I wasn’t suicidal. 

Thankfully, following this night, things went up in my life; both my life generally and specifically my mental health. I ended up going on said holiday; and a dozen more since then. Over the years, I distanced myself from the family problems that I had. I managed to get a job on the other side of the country and have since moved cities twice. What I felt would never change, changed. The things I never thought I could speak about even to those around me, I speak about them publicly on the TV, radio and social media. What I thought I couldn’t achieve, I achieved. The things I felt would never change did change and I wouldn’t have imagined I’d be where I am today had you asked me 10 years ago.

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